Who and what is Blaine Gabbert?<\/p>\n
When I first came across Blaine\u2019s name, my guess might\u2019ve been that he\u2019s the newest Warbler on Glee. But my daughter screamed at me\u2026I mean, my staff researcher quickly informed me Glee\u2019s already drafted a Blaine for the spot, so that would\u2019ve made me wrong. And I\u2019m never wrong. <\/p>\n
So, again, I had to ask: who is Blaine Gabbert, and more importantly, how did he sack the competition to gain the top spot in this week\u2019s paranormal journal?
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\nAfter all, there was a hot story in the press this week about a frozen alien crash victim found in Russia. Seems like a no brainer to write about that story today, and yet I went with the live Earthling. Why?<\/p>\n
Well, money speaks louder than words, my friends, and let me be clear on a salient point: I\u2019m open to bribes. And since the alien body that was recently found in Russia did not have any currency on his frozen person, I had to go with the story on the live Earthling who possessed actual cash that I would not have to launder through galactic channels.<\/p>\n
So, who and what is Blaine Gabbert?<\/p>\n
At six foot five, Blaine Gabbert may sound like an alien from the Amazonian Star System, or perhaps a midget basketball player, but the real truth lies somewhere in between. Blaine Gabbert plays football for Mizzou, or rather, he did play for Missouri University. Now, he\u2019s just another college dropout, looking for a job. And in this hobbled economy, good luck my brotha!<\/p>\n
But wait, turns out Blaine Gabbert doesn\u2019t need luck. He\u2019s paranormally gifted in a way that so few jocks are. He\u2019s smart\u2026I mean, insanely smart!!! <\/p>\n
Blaine\u2019s family hales from St. Louis, home to the World\u2019s Fair and Judy Garland\u2019s musical trolley. His mother always knew her son was special, not to mention very tall. <\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s almost got a photographic memory,\u201d his mom was quoted to say. <\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Modest, isn\u2019t she? Truth was, her very tall son blazed through math problems, and memorized multiplication tables and batting averages with the speed and dexterity of a seasoned mental acrobat. Mom often wondered what was going on in his head, while most other mothers scratched their heads wondering what wasn\u2019t going on up there, when it came to their sons. <\/p>\n
In the world of NFL football, turns out scouts search for quarterbacks with paranormally large brains, despite their scarcity. Though Blaine\u2019s physicality and impressive high school and early college passing records should\u2019ve been enough to put him on their radar, he wasn\u2019t much of a contender until he scored top marks on the Wonderlic, a problem solving test that sounds more like a lollipop than an IQ test. On average, football players score 20 points, the average Joe scores 24, and Blaine topped the scales at 42!<\/p>\n
Yost, Blaine\u2019s offensive coordinator at Mizzou describes his star player\u2019s uncanny ability to memorize or even adjust plays at the mere mention of them, while others have to be shown videos or learn plays on a blackboard. And when that fails, they are hit over the head with the blackboard. This does not make their players any smarter, but it does reduce the coach\u2019s frustration immeasurably.<\/p>\n
After Blaine was the quickest to reach the tasty center of his Wonderlic IQ pop, suddenly, Newton– the much disputed Heisman trophy winner–and Luck–the popular Stanford Senior–fell back a notch in their draft potential. Therefore, one must logically conclude that a smart lollipop is more valuable to the NFL scout than the inventor of gravity and the four leaf clover. <\/p>\n
Could it actually be that supernatural brainpower is more desirable than brute force? To definitively answer that question, I guess we\u2019ll just have to wait and see if Obama defeats Donald Trump in the next election. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Who and what is Blaine Gabbert? When I first came across Blaine\u2019s name, my guess might\u2019ve been that he\u2019s the newest Warbler on Glee. But my daughter screamed at me\u2026I mean, my staff researcher quickly informed me Glee\u2019s already drafted … Continue reading