Top Gov’t scientists are working around the clock to crack the code of two baby twins who are refusing to talk to anyone but each other in a secret language that is frustrating adults everywhere. Video of Top Secret Babies
Unsavory methods, such as waterboarding and Chinese Water Torture have been discussed. Shredding paper continuously in front of the twins, as has been perpetrated on one such infant by his father (Watch Cute Video), has been tried and dismissed as an unethical and dangerous practice, causing the tiny victim to lapse into uncontrollable fits of laughter. Thus far, not a single method for forcing the twins to speak a language we can recognize has yet to be agreed upon by any moral or immoral majority anywhere.
“CIA now hiring linguists fluent in secret baby talk”
Oddly enough, Ferrer, a professional tennis player, experimented with his own form of baby torture yesterday at a tennis tournament. With his missile shaped weapon, others may wrongly label a harmless tennis racket, Ferrer lobbed a green tennis ball at a baby in the stands, but has been universally condemned for it today. He even received one particular tongue lashing from Brian Kilmeade this morning over at Fox News. Ferrer has since denied he was conducting any sort of baby torture experiment and insists he was not aiming his furry ball anywhere near the crying brat…I mean baby.
Readers will be interested to note, he lost the match. But not because of the crying tot—or death threats from anti-baby torturing tennis fanatics–but because of a wicked case of indigestion.
If we can’t use traditional methods of torture to extract information from dangerous twin babies speaking in forked tongues, what can we do to make sure they’re not passing top secret information along an intricately devised twin baby spy network?
Well, so far eighteen month old twins Sam and Ren are ignoring the glare of world heat aimed at them, and are continuing to gesture, laugh and speak coded gibberish to one another in their kitchen, despite the threats they are posing to our nation.
John Nash’s Beautiful Mind has recently been tapped, I’m told, to detect a pattern in their speech, but he will get to it, he says, as soon as he is through dodging the imaginary CIA men that are after him.
We next contacted Julian Assange, but he said he is too busy with his own leaks to stop Sam and Ren’s and suggested the boys wear bigger diapers.
Unimaginative child psychologists, the so-called experts, have been consulted too. But, come on, who really believes that these twin babies are exhibiting nothing more than mimicking behaviors that are often the threshold to real communication. Please, these eggheads wouldn’t know a secret language if it tapped morse code atop their oversized noggins.
Everyone knows babies can talk a secret language. There’s been a long history of it established in movie lore. I say we fly John Travolta in on his private jet to speak with the talking babies. He can stop at Dancing with the Stars along the way to pick up Kirstie Alley, and the two can bust this teething ring of conspiracy wide open, with a rousing Tango, once and for all.